sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
I'm so ready for finals. She finally agreed to skypesex me from spain so now i'm up until 4am studying every morning waiting for her to get online
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
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