I'm so fucking centered right now
She went from zero to smokin in five shots
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
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FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
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I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
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