I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
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separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
Just went through ex bf's and hook up buddys and liked pictures of them on facebook. A friendly reminder that I will be back in for the holidays
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
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My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
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