My sheets look like a crime scene.
And, I saw Emily's panties. How? She doesn't sit like a lady.
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
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