I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
