I'm gunna smoke cigs today. I feel like I'm in that powerful and gritty mood which requires them
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Randomize
