forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
how does that bad decision feel?
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