$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
Randomize
