My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
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