So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
Will you blow on my dice?
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
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