Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
