so, on facebook you can become a fan of butt sex, and also premarital sex, but not premarital butt sex, which is what I was aiming for.
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
Randomize
