every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Randomize
