i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
how bad is she
captain morgan with tits
hey dude, just got with the girl in H4. so mark H off the apartment list
haha we are half through our lease and already checked off 17 letters
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
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