so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
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