I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
Why does She think it's her duty to welcome in freshman through the welcome mat that is her vagina
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
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