I'm not saying he was bad at sex, but I'm pretty sure I anti-climaxed.
i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
Randomize
