We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
I'm just crazy horny about you
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Randomize
