I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
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