Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
Princesses don't give blow jobs
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
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