Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Randomize
