really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
Randomize
