she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
He's currently rapping every word to 'more money more problems' at what could be a over 30s gay bar. I'm not sure yet. More info to come.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
Randomize
