I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
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