Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
Biggg time. I found 2 empty packages of extenze in my car this am.... not sure what that was all about
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
