im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
