he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
I AM VODKA MAN
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
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