I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
Randomize
