i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
