meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
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