Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
Little spoons don't ask big questions
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
Randomize
