So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
Randomize
