What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
his personality makes his face look like an asshole.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
Randomize
