i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
Randomize
