I mean i might have to drop this class tomorrow. I just walked into a midterm
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Randomize
