I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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