it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
