Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
get over here now. the boys are doing shots of everclear, chasing with monster, and some dude jsut walked in with a backpack full of tattoo gear.
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
Randomize
