someone owes me an orgasm
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
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