i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
I woke up under the kitchen table. Andy is cursing out Joe Exotic's name in between heaves in the bathroom. Jay is trying to sleep w/ a shirt tied over his eyes. Lena and Brad braved the sun to go get bloody mary supplies and food. I'd say the Tiger King drinking game was a success.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
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