That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
Randomize
