Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
Randomize
