The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
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