im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
Randomize
