I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
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