i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
