It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
pop tarts are not kleenex
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
I licked your asshole in confidence.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
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