I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
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