I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
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