i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
