We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
Randomize
