Who keeps a bong in their car??
Kids who graduated high school two weeks ago.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
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