He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
