It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
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