A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
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I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
I'm sorry you missed class, the topic today is copy and paste. I'm not even kidding.
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
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She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
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