I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
Randomize
