like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
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