'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
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