Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Randomize
