Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
You ruined the universe
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
Randomize
